Choosing to no longer fight myself

Once upon a time there was an intelligent, sensitive, driven young woman who desired to succeed. She bought into the feminist theory that woman can have it all, just as much as the next man. Then one day, everything came crashing down. She needed a break. She indeed had it all; family, career, life. But it seemed all too much. She listened to her inner voice telling her to slow down, telling her that something had to give, urging her to stop, assess and recuperate. So she did.

Slowly, bit by bit she began to feel like herself again and before she knew it she was back on the roller-coaster. Taking on more and more, just like before. Life was forging full steam ahead. Each day would pass in a blur, full and rich, until again she stopped. She wondered if it was time to pull back again, rein in the load, jump on the breaks. And then she realised something…she couldn’t stop and she shouldn’t.

That young woman is me.

And I am no longer going to fight myself and who I am.

 

I’m driven

I’m determined

I thrive on busyness of life

I work best under pressure

I love to write

I need music in my life

I love to analyse and people watch

I love lists and organising

I am punctual

I am easily stressed

I like order and chaos at the same time

I am slightly OCD, okay, a lot

I want to see it all, do it all and have it all.

All at the same time.

And I can.

 

It has taken me all of 37 years to figure out who I am, or more to the point, accept who I am. And perhaps I’m not fully there yet, but deep down in my insides I know.

So many these days are looking for calm. Wrapped up in a busy world that forges ahead at light speed leaving our heads spinning and our hearts aching. As much as I sometimes wish to  ease the frenetic life that I create, I have realised it is this very roller coaster of life that I love most.

I love that I can get all wrapped up in being busy and then all of a sudden have a longing for stillness. I love that one day I am on top of the world and the next I feel like throwing it all away. I love that I am an overachiever with desire to conquer the world with my writing, and then feel like locking myself away in a secluded lighthouse as a recluse for all eternity.

That is me.

And this is me choosing to no longer fight myself. This is me and my version of having it all. And  I love it.

 

What does having it all mean to you?

Do you crave the calm or thrive on the thrill?

 

 I’m Blogging On Tuesday inspired by Essentially Jess with IBOT
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