Here I am

It’s raining here. The sky is full and heavy, the darkness hanging overhead as the rain falls steadily down. I can hear it trickle down the spouting outside my window and hear it splash against the gutter as a lonely car drives by. And here I am. Sitting. Staring at the screen, trying to articulate my thoughts into words that are comprehensible and not just noise. 

The past month was tough. NaNo defeated me and as much as I say I am okay with that, I am also a little disappointed that I didn’t ‘win’. I think I could have. I only had 13,000 words to go. I should have just kept going.

It’s not like me to throw in the towel, I do love a challenge, but I also needed to listen to myself. I was stretched. My fibres pulling at the seams, weakening with every day of November. So I did what I had to and not what I wanted to.

Life is like that sometimes. A lot of the time actually. We do what we have to do and the things we want to do get pushed to the bottom of the list, hanging by threads. If they dangle long enough they let go. Gone. Lost. Until the ‘to do’ list once again becomes managable. If that ever happens.

I get stressed around this time of year. I’m tired from the year of relentless routine and must do. I ache for time. I ache for peace. And I ache for a moment. A single moment to stop and pause life just so I can take a breath and pump the oxygen through my veins to feel somewhat normal again. A moment to catch up and not just cope.

So here I am. Wanting to blog, wanting to write, wanting to find time for the wants and wishing the haves would take care of themselves.

Here I am willing myself to get into the Christmas spirit.

Here I am feeling sad and sorry for myself when everyone else is probably feeling much the same.

Here I am feeling hopeful for 2014 and my chosen ‘word‘ which I will reveal soon.

Here I am itching and excited and impatient thinking about that word and what it means, what it holds.

Here I am feeling a mix of emotions but most of all just wanting a good night’s sleep.

Wake me up when it’s all over will you?

 

Do you find yourself feeling much the same around this time of year?