Highs, lows, and extreme emotions

feet on top of waterI’m writing this on a Sunday night after a big weekend. I’m emotional and tired but feel like writing to get it all out. I don’t know if I’ll end up publishing this right now, or at all. I’ll guage how I feel in a day or so after writing it. And then if you are reading it, I guess I pressed published. 

After a big few weeks, a great few weeks and a huge weekend, I’m enotional and tired. The introvert in me is curled up in a ball in the corner of the room, hands over ears and rocking back and forth. ‘please stop, please stop’

I imagine it to coming down from a huge artificially enhanced high.

The high has been some amazing weeks of writing, life being busy and full (in a good way) and building up to my step-daughter’s huge main role in the school production over the weekend (which she performed brilliantly I might add).

The coming down is the crashing of emotions from an overwhelmed introvert that just wants to press pause on the remote control of life. I want to hold my breath and delay outpouring the contents as I realise how much emotion is surging through me right now.

To the average person, it’s not really that much. I’m sure most people would think, ‘Yeah. Busy. Full. Big event. Sure it’s emotional, but not a huge deal!’

And then I realised why I’m experiencing such an extreme feeling right now.

It comes back to my stepdaughter and her events, which I blogged about last week. Her lead in the school production and her deb (in four weeks time) mirrors my Year 11 experience.

I so much want to enjoy these highly memorable things wtih her, for her, as I remember much how they meant to me.

I’m just struggling right now to compute it all.

Sometimes as a step parent it’s hard. Possibly even more so as a stepmum.

You have to share emotions, and that’s hard. Not normal.

I don’t see her as my stepdaughter. She’s my daughter.

But she’s not.

I have to step back. Stand behind. Not becuase I want to, but becuase I have to play my role. Am I less important? No. But I can’t step over the imaginary boudaries, that exist, as much as we know they shouldn’t.

I don’t talk much about the struggles of step-parenting because in the whole scheme of things we are really lucky. Sure there’s issues along the way, but for the most part the situation is amicible and the kids are happy.

But it’s hard. So, so hard.

I guess this is a hard thing for someone who isn’t a step parent to understand. Maybe other stepmums deal with it differently. Each situation is different. Every person involved is different.

There’s also another reason complicating my emotions right now.

Back in year 11 when I realised my dream of a lead in the school production it was a huge thing for me.

A shy, introverted young girl with a hidden passion for acting and story. I only auditioned as my drama teacher encouraged me to and how I ever worked up the courage to actually get to the auditions I can’t remember. But I did. And I got the role. I sang, danced and acted in front of hundreds of people, fully in character and not forgetting any of my lines (that I remember lol). I felt amazing.

But…

My mum wasn’t there to see me. She had passed away six months before. She herself was a dancer and loved the stage. But she didn’t get to see me. And I didn’t get to show her.

At the time I dont’ remember being emotional about it, it just was what it was. But now…

Then, not long after the production, was my deb. Again, without my mum.

 

I don’t know how to feel or how to deal with these emotions.

 

And I don’t know how to expereince what I’m feeling, deal with being a step mum in these circumstances or just simply be a mum in these situations.

I feel like I’m stepping outside my body, watching myself play a major part in a motion picture in slow motion. And it’s a train wreck. But I can’t look away. I can’t switch it off, there is no director and I don’t know how to change the script.

And you know what?

To top it off it’s mothers day next Sunday.

 

This isn’t meant to be a ‘woe is me’ piece. I feel sick that I’m being all self-indulgent spewing forth selfish emotions in a time that’s not mine. But I have no control.

 

I don’t know how to end this post. There’s been no resolution apart from the cathartic effect. But  I guess that’s all I can ask for right now.