Remember that movie Sliding Doors? The one with Gwenyth Paltrow? I really love that movie, not because of it’s brilliant acting (John Hannah is good though), or even the story line as such. I just love the concept. The idea that different decisions and/or different events in life shape the rest of our lives.
You can’t really think too hard about it, or it will seriously do your head in. Hindsight, regret and all that.
But I wonder if the things we go through in life, by choice or the hands we are dealt, shape us more than we think.
When I was 15, my mother died. I don’t talk about it much. On one hand it hurts, on the other, it just is what it is. But at certain points in my life, not necessary big ones, more the little moments, I do wonder how much this has shaped who I am.
So many questions swim through my mind.
I wonder if I would have been a better mother, or just a different mother, or if has even made any difference.
Would I have made different life choices?
Would I feel lighter?
At times when I think about these things, and the fact that I don’t have a mother, it feels like a huge weight bearing down on me. A cross I have to bear. Is it just unresolved grief? Or just emptiness?
I don’t know. I just know it is there.
Sometimes I feel that her death stilted my emotional growth. I know part of me is closed. It’s hard to put into words. Sometimes my emotions feel under developed. For example if I am elated, I’ll only know how to show 80% of the way I really feel.
At times it seems such an impossible calculation to think of the person I would be if my mother was still around.
Sometimes I feel cheated. To not know what an adult relationship between a daughter and a mother is like is confusing. I wonder, worry even, how I will be with my own daughters when they become adults.Will I know the right way to have an adult relationship? Will it be lacking? Or will it just come naturally?
As I said, so many questions. So many questions without answers, and maybe that’s where the answer lies.
Don’t over-think it.
Life shapes us and we shape ourselves. Innate or external, we can’t dwell or even try to understand this thing that is life. When it comes down to it, we simply just need to live it.
Have you experienced an event that has changed the direction of your life? Or changed the person you are?