There are times when I just want to write and today is one of them. I want to blog but there is a car wreck of thoughts and words in my head that no matter hard I try I just can’t seem to make sense of. So instead of trying to spill a well thought out, articulate blog post I thought I would just exhale the entire contents of my brain in all it’s randomness. Hence the title of this post.
Christmas is here and I’m emotional. It’s a tough time for me as my family is fractured and although I get together with my Dad and my niece it’s just not the same. Instead I hijack my husband’s family and try to make the most of it. I love Christmas for all the togetherness and the happiness on the children’s faces, but part of me hates it and just wants things to get back to normal as quickly as possible.
When I’m depressed or trying not ignore the things I can’t ignore in my life, I turn to music. I’ve listened to a lot of music this week and usually turn to the darker side – dirty, hard, rock and roll when I need to. It makes me feel good, it a depressing, angry kind of way, but it works. Guns n’ Roses, The Cure and a little more light Bon Jovi have been constantly on my play list this week.
Living in the past is a dangerous place to be and I often find myself thinking about the ‘what could have beens’ and ‘regrets. But at the same time it is also calming to relive the wonderful times and memories of my life. It’s just sometimes I have to remind myself that there are wonderful times right here and right now and there will be more wonderful times in the future.
I haven’t done much fiction writing recently since my NaNoWriMo attempt. There is a story that keeps replaying in my mind, that I keep re-writing up there again and again and again. It is a story that is searching for a good ending but keeps getting darker and darker with an ending that seems to evade me. I have written half this story before but shelved it. It is a story that has been rolling around in my head for over 15 years. Which is a really long time. And one that I keep coming back to. Part of me wants to keep it there, safe and rewriting itself in my head but another part of me knows it has to come out. I think maybe it’s nearly ready to.
On a lighter note I’m looking forward to the next three weeks of nothing, even though my nothing involves lots of something. Lots of reading, lots of writing, lots of lazy mornings and with no place to be (school, work) and time. Time is something that continually seems to evade me. I hate working to a schedule but at this time of the year I can’t bare to be in that place of routine and structure. I want freedom. I want to destress and relax and spend time with the kids doing just that. My perfect place would be time to write, time to be with the family and time to be with introverted self. I’m aiming for all three over then next three weeks.
Tonight we are out with friends for a late dinner and late night that will no doubt involve a wine or four. I’m not a huge drinker but look forward to a social drink at this time of the year. The problem being the next day. I hate hangovers and that urgh feeling the next day, which I even get from only a couple of drinks. I really don’t know how people do it regularly. So again, I’m torn. I’m looking forward to going out, not looking forward to the late night and not looking forward to tomorrow. Cue my positive thinking that I’m working on for 2014. I’m sure it will be a good night.
Which brings me to sleep. I have been sleeping crap lately. My old waterskiing injury in my lower back has been playing up massively and I’m lucky if I get three or four hours of straight sleep a night. It’s like those times when there was a baby in the house except there are no gorgeous cuddles to make me warm and happy and make the waking up half okay. When I’m awake my mind switches on and races away with random nothingness, much like this post, and I can’t seem to get back to sleep.
So there you have it. The contents of my brain scattered on the page for all to see. I wonder if everyone has these random thoughts scurrying around their head looking for a place to hide or if it is just me?