I’ve been trying for days to find some clarity in my thinking and writing. Normally I am able to write quite fluently but there are times when the flood gates open and the words begin to poor out all at once in no coherent order. This week has been such a time.
Take for example my last blog post. Reading it back to myself all I can do is cringe and roll my eyes at what I wrote. Too wordy, too ambiguous and way too clunky. To write with eloquence and simplicity is what every writer wants. Some nail it first time and every time, but I certainly did not nail it then. There are times when I read novels, or magazines, or blogs and I am in awe of the words they choose and the effortlessness in which they are ordered on the page. And it’s especially in times where I’m struggling with my own clarity that I need to read those words. Like now.
But it’s not only clarity in writing that I’m seeking.
Today I heard some terrible news about someone in our local community who took their own life. I can’t begin to imagine the hurt that this person’s family is feeling right now. I don’t think there is a single word that would accurately describe what they are going through.
I also can’t grasp the hopelessness that one would feel to think that ending it all is the only and best option. To try and even contemplate the feelings and thought process is impossible. Part of me thinks suicide is cowardly, but part of me wants to try and understand the place one must be to entertain such thoughts. They need our understanding.
I know there have been times in my life where such thoughts have drifted in and out of my own consciousness. Not in a deliberate way but in times of despair or hurt where they have briefly appeared and as quickly disappeared, merely a thought floating through space.
To know that for some people, those thoughts are more than just a brief moment of irrational thinking is chilling. It makes my heart ache and casts a shadow of sadness over me.
It’s then that I feel silly or even small for the little things in life that irk me. The day to day quarrels and issues that are different for us all but that we all face in life. The meaningless words that sometimes get thrown around in moments of frustration or desperation. The thoughtless actions and the mundanes of life’s rituals and routines. Such little insignificant pieces of life.
I ache for some clarity right now. For the clouds to lift and the words to once again be clear and meaningful. Clarity in life. I hope returns soon.