Do you ever wonder about silly things? Like whether or not fish really only have a 10-second memory span? Whether or not they do a lap of their bowl and it’s a new experience each and every time?
I’ve often wondered about how our life would look if we were like goldfish. Seeing everything new for the first time. Seeing a whole new world full of hope and wonder.
I’ve come to try and think of life that way. The past is the past, but to be learned from. The now is now, to be experienced. And the future is yet to be written, but yet full of possibility.
It’s been a journey to this point in my life, but everything I’ve experienced, every choice I’ve made, has lead me to where I am today. With that in mind, I wrote the following piece. It’s very introspective, and I wasn’t even going to share it, but a message from a reader during the week inspired me to do so. So here we go.
I’ve been, I am, I’m going
I’ve been someone who cared what others thought. I’ve been someone too shy to speak, preferring to hide behind others. I’ve been a sheep and a follower. I’ve been blinded by first love, and let it control all my actions. I’ve let people down, I’ve let myself down.
I’ve been someone too scared to follow her dreams. Someone who let self-doubt and the fear of the unknown, fear of the big, bad world determine the course of her life.
I’ve been someone consumed by regret.
I’ve been someone who tested the boundaries. Someone who has done things I’m not proud of. Someone who tried to be someone she’s not.
I’ve looked deep inside for the truth and discovered courage along the way.
I’ve been someone who learned to take control, to stand up for themselves. Someone who felt that first spark of self-confidence ignite something inside. I’ve been someone who felt the pure joy and abandonment of precious, soul-touching love for the first time. Someone who has felt her inner strength and passion grow into a fierce protectiveness for the ones I love, and even myself. And I’ve been someone who has felt the warm glow of never-ending, unconditional love through the touch of tiny fingers.
I’m someone who has desired success. Someone who felt the need to feel triumph and recognition, and to prove that I can be something, someone. I’ve tried to make up for past failings by filling my life with what I thought would fulfil me. The success, the big house, fancy car, material possession. And I’ve been the person who has realised, all of that, none of that matters.
I’m someone who has slowly begun to remove her social mask. To bare her soul, no matter the repercussions. I’m someone who has quickly slipped it back on when things felt too hard. But dared, to take it off again. I’m someone who is persistent. Determined.
Someone who has realised having the courage to be my own true self is the path the contentment. But also soone who realises it isn’t always an easy path.
I am someone who now values the small things. Someone who is happiest surrounded by family, space and books. Someone who understands introversion isn’t a character flaw, but an essential part of who I am. Someone who knows there are times when I need to be protected by my introverted nature, but who also needs to push past its boundaries and limitations.
I’m someone who is multi-layered, many of which I haven’t even uncovered. I know what is important to me, and what is not. And I also know that I change. And change is accepted and welcomed.
I know that the person I am now, may not be the person I’ll be in five years. But I know that I need to keep opening myself up, listening, and nurturing my soul to be the best person I can be.
I know that I can’t predict the future, but I can influence it. But even then, life may have other things in store for me.
I know that I need to continue to push myself past the walls that others, society and even myself put up. I know that I need to believe in myself even when it seems like I’m getting nowhere. I know that each day I get to push the reset button on my inner voice and start a fresh. I know I have so much more to learn and experience.
And I know that where I’m going may not be where I end up, but I’ll know it is where I’m meant to be.
Where have you been? Where are you at? And where are you going?